Grief and Growth a Year Later

It really took me some time to convince myself to write on this anniversary, an anniversary that, on the surface, feels separate from MSH but continues to shape me in similar ways as the loss of Meryl.

There’s something strange about grief.

It’s been a year since that day—March 15th—the day that left my heart heavier than I knew was possible. A year later, and I’m still convincing myself I’m "okay,"because the only other option is to not be "okay" and we all know how I struggle with not being okay because even on my worst days, people rely on me. It doesn’t stop. The families and youth at MSH, my own family, my work—there is no pause button, no chance to step off the ride and just be in the grief - not that I really want to. So I keep going, keep hitting refresh on my progression through the stages of grief, as if one day I’ll finally arrive at “acceptance” and be done with it. But that’s not how it works, is it?

Grief is not linear. It doesn’t come with a manual or an expiration date. Most days, I’m fine. Some days, I'm not. In fact, the other day I was walking through units, completely distracted, and when the owner opened the door to this one unit - I was suddenly a child, again, in my grandmother's condo. There was a smell in the air that took me right back to my childhood and spending time with her and for a split second I expected to see her when I walked in.

I’ve learned a lot in the past year. I’ve learned that no amount of experience—personal or professional—makes loss any easier. I’ve learned that some wounds never fully heal. And I’ve learned that kindness, real kindness, is everything. Because you never know who is sitting in their car, wiping away tears, telling themselves “you’re okay”before stepping out into the world again.

So if today, a year later, you’re still finding your way through grief like I am, just know this: you are not alone. And while I may never fully be okay with not being okay, I am learning to carry it a little differently. And for today, that’s enough.